Posts Tagged 'funny'

Dr. Oz Talks With Susanne Eman And Her Goal To Be The Fattest Woman In The World

Since taking care of my mother I’ve become somewhat of a shut in. I do crossword puzzles, go on the computer, watch TV anything to take up time.

When I watch TV during the day, I watch the various the judge shows, movies on Lifetime or Hallmark channel. I don’t like anything scary (living with mom is enough) once in a while I’m drawn to Dr. Oz. his show always has something that scares the hell out of me, whether it’s the Truth Tube, the germs in my purse, signs of diseases, he never fails to deliver.

Well, near the end of September I needed something to shake me up so Dr. Oz it was. His guest was Susanne Eman.

Susanne Eman, if I remember correctly weighs over 700lbs. her goal is to become the fattest woman in the world and her target weight is 1800 lbs. She walked out onto the stage without any assistance, no walker or cane. She was nice looking, cheery and agile.

She stated she had no health issues, her sugar, blood pressure and cholesterol are all were within normal limits. She stated she walks at least three to four times a week and when she gets the chance, enjoys swimming.

Okay, I’m thinking this lady has got to be stuck on stupid. There’s no way I’m buying she’s in perfect health, I found myself yelling at Dr. Oz to push her big behind to the “The Truth Tube.”

She’s not married, has two kids, I’m thinking her food bill must be the same as for Home Town Buffet. In fact they said she could sit at a buffet for over six hours yikes! Where’s her income coming from.

Apparently there are sickos out there I’ll call them chubby chasers that pay to watch obese people eat over the internet. Apparently she has a growing group of followers, she said since she’s going to eat anyway she might as well get paid. Two of her fans, nice looking young to middle aged men were in the audience, they were of normal weight. I’m confused what does seeing a fat women eating doing for them?

According to Dr. Oz watching obese people eat is the second biggest fetish in the country behind pornography. Where in the hell have I been?

Susanne went on to say she models clothes for larger women. Okay being plus size I applaud retailers who use plus size women as models as this allows us to see how clothes look since, one size does not necessarily fit all. But come on, how many women out there buying clothes are 700lbs. It would be like putting a car cover for a Smart car on a Hummer, let’s get real.

Dr. Oz showed some of her modeling tapes she appeared to be wearing a nightgown; she sat on a couch and swings her legs under her body, she moved as if she was size six. However, once she stopped moving and posed, her legs and arms were still jiggling. For a brief moment I thought I was watching an advertisement for Jell-O.

Her deal is she wants to teach people not to judge a book by its cover. When you see a fat person out in the street don’t assume their lazy and not contributing to society. Well, I for one don’t think people judge the contents of a book by its cover; however I do feel people will not pick up the book if the cover is big.

I don’t think eating until you’re the largest woman in the world is contributing to society. There has been many large people who have contributed to society; Santa Claus, Pavarotti, Oprah, Winston Churchill and Alfred Hitchcock they all contributed in their own way, they didn’t have to eat their way into the Guinness book of World Records and they didn’t have to diet to fit in.

In the end, her doctor said she’s playing Russian roulette with her life, but that she showed no problems yet. However, Dr. Oz put her numbers into the Truth Tube and told her she was a ticking time bomb.

Well this program scared me for a couple of reasons, for this young girl who is eating herself to death, for her kids who will lose their mother and for all us big girls because we don’t know who’s watching us.

But, on the plus side I did learn how to make extra cash for Christmas. As soon as my brownies have cooled and my roast is done, I’m getting into my nightgown and putting on the web cam.

Dementia And Dehydration, The Double D’s

For months it’s been one thing or another. I have so much to tell you but I have not had the energy to sit and write. But here it goes my entries will not be in order of their occurrence they will be more of a hit and miss of what I am thinking about at the time.

For the last five years I have been living my life constantly yelling. My mother tells everyone; “I’ve never liked to eat, my mother would sit next to me and yell to get me to eat.”

My mother lives constantly on the verge of malnutrition and dehydration. In the last four years she has gone by ambulance to the hospital four times, one time last year she was so dehydrated she almost didn’t make it. So I constantly yell at her to drink.

Last August I knew my mother either had a bladder infection or was becoming dehydrated she had a horrible body odor. Every time I would try to get her to drink it would end like this;

“Mom, you need to drink more.” “I’m not thirsty.” “I know you’re not thirsty, but you need to drink.” “I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do.” “Mom, your diapers have a strong ammonia smell.” “I don’t smell anything. You must be smelling your own dirty butt”

I took her to the doctor’s and sure enough she had a bladder infection. She also lost 7 pounds in the last for months. When they told us she had an infection I look at my mom and said,” I knew you were sick just from the odor” without skipping a beat my mom looked at the nurse and said;

“My daughter knew I was sick because she’s a witch.” “What did you say?” “You’re a witch.” “Oh witch, I thought you said something else.”

So now I’m getting to what I want to write about, the last six days.

Okay, Saturday October 15th and Sunday the 16th, mom’s diapers again had the odor of straight ammonia, she was refusing to drink more fluids. I’m thinking dehydration. When I would say something to her it would go back to the same song and dance. I made a decision to take her to the doctors on Monday or Tuesday if she was still refusing to drink.

Monday the 17th, mom got up around 9:30.

“Mom, take a bath before it gets too late.” “Why I’m not going anywhere.” “That’s not the point you’ve been in the same diaper all night and if it gets any later you’ll be getting lunch instead of breakfast.” “I’ll take a bath and eat when I’m ready just worry about your own fat butt.”

Now, she knows it bothers me when she talks about my being heavy. Heck I know I’m big but everyday for whatever reason she brings it up. She must truly have dementia because a sane person wouldn’t be making those kinds of comments to the person who makes their food.

By the time she’s ready for breakfast its lunch time so I make her a half of turkey sandwich with swiss cheese, a bowl of soup and a few pieces of cantaloupe and watermelon. She sits down and starts to complain that it was too much food. I let her know if she kept complaining I would give her the other half of the sandwich. I walked into the den to finish my crossword puzzle.

It was about two maybe three minutes and I heard my mother snoring. “Mom wake up, mom are you sleeping, wake up” Nothing so me and my fat butt get up, I touched her shoulder nothing then I notice she had thrown up and had passed out. She was breathing but making a sound between gurgling and snoring.

“911, is this a medical emergency?” “Yes my mother was eating and passed out, I need help.” “Is she breathing? How old is she? The address and number you’re calling from?”

Finally after all the questions were answered, I called my husband and kids everyone showed up the same time as the paramedics. My husband and son stayed to clean the mess and close up the house, Dana drove ahead to the hospital and I went in the ambulance with my mom.

First before I go any further let me tell you about the ambulance. Why are all emergency vehicles so high off the ground? This was my fourth time having to call for paramedics and an ambulance to my mom’s house, I now feel like I have a close enough relationship with the dispatcher that when they see my mom’s address pop up to send a truck with a bucket to help lift my big behind into the cab of the ambulance. It’s embarrassing I felt like a Weeble (you know the roly-poly characters).

We arrive at the hospital the paramedics had already cut open my mom’s favorite dress. The nurses take her torn dress and sweater all the way off and were going to hand them to me. Hell no! I wasn’t even going to touch the bag. The look on my face let them know it was trash time.

Dana came to sit with me, lab work, x-rays, a CT scan all showed how healthy my mom was, the diagnosis was dehydration. They plumped her up with fluids and we ignored her requests for a Babe Ruth bar. The hospital would have released her but her insurance Kaiser has a policy if a patients loses consciousness they stay overnight for observation.

When the ambulance came to transport my mom to Kaiser, Dana drove me home so I could pick up my car. Now I haven’t eaten anything all day. I down a banana and three cookies and then Paul drove me to the hospital.

When I walked into the room my mom was stuffing her face with Fig Newton’s, she feeling good and wanted to know who came with me to see her and who I called. I let her know everyone knew she was in the hospital and no one came because she wasn’t ill, she was there because she was to stubborn to drink water. I told her I’ve had it. I explained the paramedics, the ambulance, doctors and nurses had more seriously ill patients that they needed to tend to, also her taking space in the hospital is one less bed available for someone else more seriously ill. I was so upset and exhausted I left.

Late that night and early the next morning I received a call from the attending doctor at Kaiser, he wanted to let me know my mom was doing well and would be released around noon.

I got there at twelve thirty. When I walked into her room my mom immediately started asking me if anyone came with me to see her in the hospital. I said no because she wasn’t sick just too lazy to drink fluids. I started to get her ready to go when the nurse came in. She was letting me know my mom didn’t want to eat breakfast but she managed to get her to eat some cereal. Lunch was delivered and she needed to try and eat something. My mom flatly refused saying she would eat at home. Knowing that I would have to continue the battle at home I let my mom know if she didn’t eat she wouldn’t be going home. She began eating.

When I pulled the car up to the hospital patient loading zone, the young man who was helping my mom into the car said; “Have a wonderful day” my mom replied “I’m on the way out.” The young man didn’t know what to say, my mom made it seem like she was going home to die.

I stepped on the gas and looked at her and said;

“So where are we going? Dancing? Lunch? On a trip? Where?” “Aren’t we were going home?” “I thought we were until you told that young man you were on the way out. You’re not dying I know this because the doctors in two hospitals just examined you, the only thing wrong with you is your need for attention.”

When we got home;

“Mom, you need to take a shower you had thrown up and haven’t had a shower in two days.” “Don’t worry about me, worry about yourself.” “Mom take a shower.” “Shut up fat ass!”

Okay this time I picked up the phone, should I call the county morgue or my brother? I ended up calling my brother because I knew his number. I put the call on speaker and asked my mother to repeat what she called me and she did. Well, my brother let her know he wasn’t happy and was coming over.

Intervention (this entry is so long maybe it should be an Intermission).

Since I have tried in the past with the Scared Straight approach having only two bad cops wasn’t working. But now were doing Beyond Scared Straight, oh yeah everyone is on board.

The next day my brother came over, he had my back; even without a script he was remarkable. (Now remember in my last entry I had placed my mom in a really nice assisted living facility for a week, so I had to change it up).

I started to explain that I could not afford to put mom into the nice facility. The cost was $150.00 a day when I placed her in for a week of respite care. Placement for long term would be a little more as she needs assistance bathing, medications and walking to and from the dining room. Now keep in mind this conversation is in front of my mom. Without a dress rehearsal this is how it went down between my brother and me in front of my mom.

“I’m going to be honest with you I can’t ask my husband to do any more than what we’ve done its going to cost two thousand more a month to put mom into a home. Can you pay it?” “Two thousand no way, I’m retired.” “Well, if I can come up with half and I don’t think I can would you be able to pitch in one thousand?” “No, right now it would be tough.” “I know that’s how it is with everyone, I do know that there’s facilities that take only SSI and pensions that don’t have the extra frills but it’s doable.” “Sounds good.”

I told my mom I could no longer take care of her, I was done until I sold the house she was going to the cheaper home, the one where she would have to share a room with one to four other woman, the one where the meals would be simple, like bologna or ham sandwiches for lunch and casserole’s for dinner. Her eyes were bigger now, she understood.

My brother also confronted my mom with his disappointment with the way she talks to me. Surprise!

What a good day this was becoming. My aunt even showed up unexpectedly, without clueing her in about us taking a firm stance in Spanish she asked;

“Eva, how are you doing?” “Not good.” “No, Eva say you’re doing fine” “Fine.”

She even let my mom know she needed to do better so she could remain home. Yes today is a good day, I feel like the troops are with me.

Now on the fourth day, Kaiser sent a very nice young girl to evaluate my mother for Palliative Care. The only ailments my mother has is dementia and RA, since she was not in the final stages of life she did not qualify for assistance.

The only thing my mom understood is that this woman was from Kaiser, she asked me what she wanted. I explained she came to see if she could help, but since she didn’t have a medical condition and it was just that she’s too stubborn to eat and drink a facility might be the answer.

Well, that night no problems, this morning I woke her, gave her breakfast, she showered no problems. My brother just called, he remarked I sounded better, and I’m actually feeling better. Mom’s not sleeping she’s watching TV quietly in her room, when she heard the phone she came out to see who called; I said my brother and he asked if I found a home for you yet.

If I can keep it fresh in her mind, I do believe it will be a good day. Peace.

Go Ahead Make My Day

Remember the scene in Sudden Impact when Harry Callahan (played by Clint Eastwood) confronts a robber who’s holding a waitress hostage with a gun to her head, instead of backing off, Clint puts his gun into the guys face and says, “Go ahead make my day.”

They must be planning to do a sequel and my mom is practicing for the lead. For the last two days, minus a cigar hanging out of her mouth, she’s been doing her impression of Clint.

I was in the kitchen talking on speaker phone with my daughter Dana today at 11:45 when my mom came out;

“I’m not eating breakfast today”
“What do you mean your not eating breakfast?”
“I had Ensure this morning and that was my breakfast.”
“You had Ensure, before you showered, so you wouldn’t be in a hot shower with an empty stomach.”
“I’m not eating breakfast.”
“Okay, then I’ll make lunch.”
“I’m not eating.”

Now keep in mind my mother only eats a small breakfast and an even smaller lunch that’s it, only two meals a day and dessert, and now she’s telling me no breakfast.

So, I placed her breakfast on the table and said;

“Here’s your breakfast, if you don’t eat it, I’m making you lunch and then later I’ll make you dinner.”

The thought of actually eating two meals was too much for her, as I picked up the phone and slid out the dining room chair my mom yelled;

“Why did you throw the chair at me?”

Now keep in mind my mom’s dining room set is old and made of solid wood, the chairs all have arms and weigh about twenty pounds.

“What!”
“Why did you throw the chair?”
“I didn’t throw the chair I slid it out for you.”
“Well, why don’t you just hit me?”
“Why, would I hit you?”
“Just hit me.”

I started talking with Dana and said this is what it’s been like the last two days; she keeps telling me to hit her. I don’t know what’s going in her mind. Maybe she wants me to audition for Jerry Springer.

I find myself yelling, just to get the simplest things through to her, and there she is all 110 pounds in my face saying “hit me, hit me.”

I have to see the humor in everything she does, I have to remember she’s not all there and I have to remind myself the little old piñata yelling, hit me, hit me, doesn’t have enough candy for this Mexican to pick up a bat….

California Proposition 19, Legalization Of Marijuana

Let me start off my saying my husband and I don’t smoke, drink and have never done any type of drugs. But today I will be giving you my opinion of California Proposition 19, the Marijuana Legalization Initiative (2010) which would tax and regulate marijuana for adults over 21 years old.

Now this issue has been on the ballots before and has failed. Still you have some that will keep pushing until the results are what they want, legalization.

Now I’m sure marijuana has its benefits for people who are ill, and I for one say if it can ease ones pain then they should be prescribed the drug or drugs that can help. But for the ones who want it because they want to get high I say hold on we have enough problems already.

Now I’m not naïve, I have friends and relatives who smoke the stuff, with no problems I’m not going to say I’m fine with it, but at least they are responsible enough to use it in their home and not out in public.

I’m worried about the ones (and there will be plenty) who will use it anytime and anyplace, you know the ones that already have fewer brain cells then normal people.

My husband and I bought our first home when I was twenty-one, by the time I was thirty-four we were building our dream home. It was perfect until our neighbors sold their home to such an individual.

Our neighbor is an idiot. When his first child was an infant and would cry he would place him in the car on the driveway so his crying wouldn’t disturb him in the house. That stopped when the neighbors called the police. Then he would place him in an outside lanai until again the police would show up. He would take his child out for a ride by placing him on a flat wagon tied to a bike, once he would start off the kid would fly off like cracking the whip, His wife stopped that after seeing the neighbors coming out.

He has been outside wearing leotards and a tutu, a Samurai outfit including swords and cowboy attire just to name a few of his outfits.

He barely works, his wife assumed the responsibility earning a living and raising the kids who are now in middle school and high school.

How did this happen, my guess drugs? I came to this conclusion after a few years of not getting along with him due to his odd behavior, his dog running loose his attempt of keeping a rooster, geese etc.

Years ago Chris mentioned that the neighbor was growing marijuana in the backyard. So I called the police;

“Temple City Sheriffs station.”
“Hi, I’d like to report that my neighbor is growing marijuana.”
“Can you see it form the street?”
“No.”
“Then we can’t help you, our officers need to be able to see it from the street.”
“What?”
“We can’t go onto private property to check.”
“Well, send an officer anyway; I think there’s a burglar in my backyard.”

When they arrived to check out my yard, I glanced over to my neighbors and said;

“What’s that?”
“Looks like your neighbor has a few marijuana plants.”

It was only two plants, that were huge, taller and wider then I was, the sheriff asked to borrow our shovel and dug up the plants. I don’t know what the outcome of it was. He now has hedges so I can’t see over.

Now, while these all happened years ago, its people like him that I worry about. He doesn’t drive his wife’s car because he always involved in accidents. Could it be that he drives while under the influence? I don’t know. I just know his reaction time and ability to think always seems clouded.

So I will vote NO on proposition 19, knowing good and well people will still smoke marijuana whether or not it’s legal. An example; in California the drinking age is twenty-one how’s that working out? So now let’s start treating marijuana more like alcohol.

Like drinking after using marijuana, the user will feel intoxicated; have some loss of coordination, poor sense of balance and a slower reaction time. Now let’s add a two ton car.

Some of you will not agree with me, I don’t really care. I realize people will still use the stuff, heck if it would make my mom nicer I’d bake her a brownie. It’s just that in my opinion legalizing would open up a whole bunch of new problems.

So if you’re already using it responsibly fine I don’t want to hear about it. But if pot is legalized by the State of California and you’re an idiot my next call will be to the Feds because after all the state can’t regulate a Federal Offense.

Tattooed Mommy

I had many assumptions about the type of people that get tattoos. It’s probably just me and my age, but to me people that get more than one or large tattoos are usually bikers, gangsters (yes gangsters) bad boys, or people who are just rebellious. I sweated out my kids teen years no tats (pretty hip, huh) no piercings, now they’re in their mid to late thirties and I can (hopefully) breathe a sigh of relief. 

Well I pretty much know all my kids friends, all are middle to upper class with young families, all appear to be clean as a whistle. 

Well my daughters friend Nik is a doll, a perfect mom and wife, every time I have seen or visited with her she is just as sweet as can be, her kids are very respectful and well mannered and her husband is also a good guy in my book. I’m glad that the two families are friends. 

Well, Dana had previously met Nik’s cousin Bufi, and has been talking about how she gets along with her just like Nik, I’m happy to see Dana’s circle of friends getting bigger. 

The three families had planned to get together on the fourth for swimming, barbeque and fireworks, since my mom’s pool is bigger, that’s were they would swim and barbeque, then go to our house for fireworks. 

Dana wasn’t able to do much as she was still recuperating from a slip and fall at Target the week before. But it appeared that Nik had every thing under control. I let Dana know I wouldn’t be home until later but dad would be there to help, just have fun and enjoy themselves. That’s when Dana said; 

“I just wanted to let you know that Bufi and her husband have tattoos, a piercing and their son has a Mohawk.”
“WHAT!”
“Mom get over your ideas about tattoos Bufi is just as nice as her cousin Nik and you really like Nik.”  

This is true, but the whole time I was at my aunt’s I was thinking how not to look shocked at the tattoos, piercing or the Mohawk. 

When I pulled up at the house I saw Dana’s SUV, Nik’s minivan and another really nice SUV, but it can’t be Bufi’s after all someone with tats and piercings wouldn’t be caught dead in a family looking vehicle, wouldn’t they want to maintain their rebellious look over to their vehicle? Something in black, dark tinted windows, fancy wheels, maybe a shocking decal, nothing just a really nice (expensive) SUV with fancy wheels. 

So I’m prepared to meet Bufi, her husband and their son with a Mohawk. I took a deep breath and went outside. I see Nik, Jeff their kids and another nice looking couple. Well I guess Nik’s cousin didn’t come over after all, until I got closer. 

Dave, Bufi’s husband was a nice looking man, I’m sure he had tattoos but I didn’t see any at first and I didn’t want to scan him like an x-ray machine gone mad, so I turned to Bufi and I must say I was surprised, pleasantly surprised, she had one arm tattooed with what appeared to be flowers and the other arm had what appeared to be a ring of X’s and hearts, she also had a small nose ring. I guess I expected something gaudy and shocking but in the grand scheme of things it was tastefully done. 

I talked for a few minutes, told them what I had expected and laughed because I looked tougher then they did, and as far as their son’s Mohawk you could hardly tell. My husband and I spent the rest of the day going in and out for a few minutes at a time, and decided they were OK in our books. 

I will say this Fourth of July my daughter taught me a lesson “you can’t judge a book by its cover”, you need to take a deeper, closer look because the value of someone is not always obvious from what we see on the surface so we must save our judgment until hell freezes over, just kidding until we get to know them. 

Nik and Jeff, Paul and I had fun visiting with you and the kids, come over anytime for a swim, and yes bring your CRAZY, FUN cousin Bufi and her family with you. 

And guess what, my circle of friends just got bigger.

Save A Horse Ride A Cowboy

Studies have shown swearing or using foul language increases one’s tolerance to pain. I wonder if the same happens when scared, I know when something happens that scares me I sometimes say things that really don’t sound nice, but those that know me realize that’s how I roll. 

So in this entry I’m going to talk about my BFF Nancy. No one could have a better friend than she is, I trust her with my life, but last week she scared me so bad I’ve been calling her my BFFDA, which means Best Friend Forever Dumb Ass. 

While I was talking to DA, she brought up (again) the fact she wants to buy a horse. Now she knows how I feel about it, it’s just a bad idea, but she won’t listen, in her head she thinks she’s Dale Evans and wants to ride out into the sunset.

 Growing up Nancy’s parents had a ranch in Colorado and they would spend their vacations on the ranch, it wasn’t a working ranch there were no horses, it was a cabin with a lake, trees, bugs and an outhouse. It was the type of ranch where city slickers would go to rough it. 

Anyway, getting back to the other day Nancy now has this need to own a horse, while she is in her early sixties and is physically fit; she’s a far cry from a cowgirl. Anyway she knows someone who’s selling a Holsteiner and the horse is 16 hands (about 64 inches tall), she’s interested. So she decided to go check it out. 

She said it was a beautiful horse so she decided to ride him. This is where I wanted to yell stop, don’t tell me you rode him, but it was too late, there was no stopping her. She proceeded to tell me that she never quite made it on the horse. That’s right she never quite made it on the horse, because she fell off while getting on. 

She fell backwards flat on her back, she’s hurting and bruised but nothing was broken. As far as her ride it was by car to the doctor’s. 

Let’s see now she hasn’t bought a horse yet and already its cost her, a doctor’s visit, x-rays and chiropractic services. The costs are already adding up. Now you realize you need to take lessons, which are a good idea, please start with the beginning class how to get on a horse, then how to hold on. 

All kidding aside you could have gotten injured or killed falling off the saddle, does the name Christopher Reeves mean anything to you. I’m not against you riding, the market near your house has a Palomino parked on the sidewalk all you need is a roll of quarters, which I’ll send you if you promise that’s all you’ll ride. 

Please take the time and think about it seriously your husband, kids, grandkids and I love you and if something where to happen to you I don’t know how we would cope. You my BFFDA could never be replaced, so please take my advice ride a cowboy it might be safer. GIDDY UP!

Love Is In The Air

It started off in the air, when my husband handed me a Hoops & Yoyo card. For those of you who are not familiar with Hoops & Yoyo their a pair of animated characters on Hallmark cards that tend to yell and get overly excited. So in the air I open the card to be greeted by these characters talking fast and telling knock knock jokes, in the card my husband wrote Hau Oli La Makuahine Me Ke Aloha Pumeana, which he translated to Just for you with the warmth of my love, or at least that’s what we think means.

So picture this older handsome man with this older plus sized woman with the obnoxious card and seeing him give her a few loving kisses. I’m sure people were thinking maybe their a widow and widower who after all these years found love with each other. Little did they know that we’ve been together since we were fifteen and seventeen, what’s the old saying, “there may be snow on the roof, but there’s still fire in the furnace.” Well let’s just say Paul’s pilot light was on.

During the flight Paul would off and on hold my hand, rub my shoulders and would occasionally give me the smoochie face. While Paul has always been very loving and attentive he was being very touchy feely on the plane, was it just that we were finally alone or was it a ruse to throw everyone off in case I fell into the volcano this was a valid question, after all we’ve been together so long. But then I remembered I’ve always been a hot chick, so I just sat back and enjoyed all the attention.

Once we landed and started out on our little trips it finally dawned on me, all this attention was to make me feel guilty if I started to complain. Paul dragged my sorry ass everywhere and he did it in a way that I couldn’t say anything. Since I’m still using a cane he would drop me off and pick me up at all the entrances. He made sure there was always somewhere that I could sit, yes some would say a perfect gentleman or was he just smarter than me, he wasn’t giving me anything to complain about. Yes, he’s good.

But there was something he couldn’t change the humidity, finally something I could complain about. Humidity is hard on everyone, once you start sweating you’re uncomfortable and it affects everything especially when you’re plus size. My shirt was constantly damp and Paul was looking at me like I was in a wet t-shirt contest, I couldn’t win, this was our second honeymoon and nothing was going to ruin it.

Everyday we took a long drive; we ate in restaurants that received ono’s in the Ultimate Hawaii book. We saw Polynesian dancers, we listened to live slack key guitar and saw a children’s hula show. We saw very few geckos, enjoyed the mongoose at the brewery and on this trip saw no centipedes, we did have a wonderful time.

I know Dana was worried she kept saying she was too old for a new brother or sister, but that didn’t stop me I was still trying to get one of the dancers in my luggage.

Now were back home, my jeans are a little looser from all the sweating but I’m sure by the time I finish my glass of ice water I’ll plump right back up.
A hui hou. (See you later).


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