Archive for the 'Food' Category

Dr. Oz Talks With Susanne Eman And Her Goal To Be The Fattest Woman In The World

Since taking care of my mother I’ve become somewhat of a shut in. I do crossword puzzles, go on the computer, watch TV anything to take up time.

When I watch TV during the day, I watch the various the judge shows, movies on Lifetime or Hallmark channel. I don’t like anything scary (living with mom is enough) once in a while I’m drawn to Dr. Oz. his show always has something that scares the hell out of me, whether it’s the Truth Tube, the germs in my purse, signs of diseases, he never fails to deliver.

Well, near the end of September I needed something to shake me up so Dr. Oz it was. His guest was Susanne Eman.

Susanne Eman, if I remember correctly weighs over 700lbs. her goal is to become the fattest woman in the world and her target weight is 1800 lbs. She walked out onto the stage without any assistance, no walker or cane. She was nice looking, cheery and agile.

She stated she had no health issues, her sugar, blood pressure and cholesterol are all were within normal limits. She stated she walks at least three to four times a week and when she gets the chance, enjoys swimming.

Okay, I’m thinking this lady has got to be stuck on stupid. There’s no way I’m buying she’s in perfect health, I found myself yelling at Dr. Oz to push her big behind to the “The Truth Tube.”

She’s not married, has two kids, I’m thinking her food bill must be the same as for Home Town Buffet. In fact they said she could sit at a buffet for over six hours yikes! Where’s her income coming from.

Apparently there are sickos out there I’ll call them chubby chasers that pay to watch obese people eat over the internet. Apparently she has a growing group of followers, she said since she’s going to eat anyway she might as well get paid. Two of her fans, nice looking young to middle aged men were in the audience, they were of normal weight. I’m confused what does seeing a fat women eating doing for them?

According to Dr. Oz watching obese people eat is the second biggest fetish in the country behind pornography. Where in the hell have I been?

Susanne went on to say she models clothes for larger women. Okay being plus size I applaud retailers who use plus size women as models as this allows us to see how clothes look since, one size does not necessarily fit all. But come on, how many women out there buying clothes are 700lbs. It would be like putting a car cover for a Smart car on a Hummer, let’s get real.

Dr. Oz showed some of her modeling tapes she appeared to be wearing a nightgown; she sat on a couch and swings her legs under her body, she moved as if she was size six. However, once she stopped moving and posed, her legs and arms were still jiggling. For a brief moment I thought I was watching an advertisement for Jell-O.

Her deal is she wants to teach people not to judge a book by its cover. When you see a fat person out in the street don’t assume their lazy and not contributing to society. Well, I for one don’t think people judge the contents of a book by its cover; however I do feel people will not pick up the book if the cover is big.

I don’t think eating until you’re the largest woman in the world is contributing to society. There has been many large people who have contributed to society; Santa Claus, Pavarotti, Oprah, Winston Churchill and Alfred Hitchcock they all contributed in their own way, they didn’t have to eat their way into the Guinness book of World Records and they didn’t have to diet to fit in.

In the end, her doctor said she’s playing Russian roulette with her life, but that she showed no problems yet. However, Dr. Oz put her numbers into the Truth Tube and told her she was a ticking time bomb.

Well this program scared me for a couple of reasons, for this young girl who is eating herself to death, for her kids who will lose their mother and for all us big girls because we don’t know who’s watching us.

But, on the plus side I did learn how to make extra cash for Christmas. As soon as my brownies have cooled and my roast is done, I’m getting into my nightgown and putting on the web cam.

Love Is In The Air

It started off in the air, when my husband handed me a Hoops & Yoyo card. For those of you who are not familiar with Hoops & Yoyo their a pair of animated characters on Hallmark cards that tend to yell and get overly excited. So in the air I open the card to be greeted by these characters talking fast and telling knock knock jokes, in the card my husband wrote Hau Oli La Makuahine Me Ke Aloha Pumeana, which he translated to Just for you with the warmth of my love, or at least that’s what we think means.

So picture this older handsome man with this older plus sized woman with the obnoxious card and seeing him give her a few loving kisses. I’m sure people were thinking maybe their a widow and widower who after all these years found love with each other. Little did they know that we’ve been together since we were fifteen and seventeen, what’s the old saying, “there may be snow on the roof, but there’s still fire in the furnace.” Well let’s just say Paul’s pilot light was on.

During the flight Paul would off and on hold my hand, rub my shoulders and would occasionally give me the smoochie face. While Paul has always been very loving and attentive he was being very touchy feely on the plane, was it just that we were finally alone or was it a ruse to throw everyone off in case I fell into the volcano this was a valid question, after all we’ve been together so long. But then I remembered I’ve always been a hot chick, so I just sat back and enjoyed all the attention.

Once we landed and started out on our little trips it finally dawned on me, all this attention was to make me feel guilty if I started to complain. Paul dragged my sorry ass everywhere and he did it in a way that I couldn’t say anything. Since I’m still using a cane he would drop me off and pick me up at all the entrances. He made sure there was always somewhere that I could sit, yes some would say a perfect gentleman or was he just smarter than me, he wasn’t giving me anything to complain about. Yes, he’s good.

But there was something he couldn’t change the humidity, finally something I could complain about. Humidity is hard on everyone, once you start sweating you’re uncomfortable and it affects everything especially when you’re plus size. My shirt was constantly damp and Paul was looking at me like I was in a wet t-shirt contest, I couldn’t win, this was our second honeymoon and nothing was going to ruin it.

Everyday we took a long drive; we ate in restaurants that received ono’s in the Ultimate Hawaii book. We saw Polynesian dancers, we listened to live slack key guitar and saw a children’s hula show. We saw very few geckos, enjoyed the mongoose at the brewery and on this trip saw no centipedes, we did have a wonderful time.

I know Dana was worried she kept saying she was too old for a new brother or sister, but that didn’t stop me I was still trying to get one of the dancers in my luggage.

Now were back home, my jeans are a little looser from all the sweating but I’m sure by the time I finish my glass of ice water I’ll plump right back up.
A hui hou. (See you later).

Happy Birthday To You, Happy Birthday To Me. (Part Two)

Here it goes, I woke up to my granddaughter on the phone singing happy birthday to me, she is so adorable her ending was happy birthday I love you, then she said I was the sweetest grandma, ever!

My husband smiled and gave me a big happy birthday, I got out of bed and went to take a shower, OMG the towels under the sink are wet. Paul checked it out the hose to the sink leaked so to it’s off to Home Depot. What a way for my day to start.

After my shower, I get a birthday card with a little note from my current boyfriend and lover, watch it, it’s my husband.

My uncle, brother and aunt called to wish me a special day. Al our pool man came around 10:00am and he wasn’t wearing a Speedo so that’s a birthday wish that didn’t come true.

Mom heard us talking and wished me a happy birthday, I was shocked because last year she said nothing, today however she wished she was able to go out shopping to get me something, I asked her if she really wanted to do something nice for me she can be on good behavior all day and not to give me any trouble, she didn’t answer just gave me a smile. I guess that’s another wish that’s not coming my way.

So far Dana’s day was uneventful; she’s not feeling the best and is trying to switch doctors.

Paul left to fix my car, so it’s just me, my mom, Pandora and Spider Solitaire. I thought about making something special for breakfast, too much trouble, Paul switched off the gas on the stove so my mom wouldn’t burn down the house so I guess laziness trumps birthday breakfast.

When I pick up Mackenzie today from school, we’ll make a short stop to buy sketching paper she planned on drawing a family portrait and placing it in a frame, I previously purchased three frames one that says Mommy& Me, another that says Family, then a collage frame that says Mom + Dad = Me, you guessed it she wanted to draw and give her all three.

After an hour and a half of watching Mac draw it was time for our birthday dinner, Grandma #1 (that’s what I call grandma Phyllis) was taking the entire family out to Northwood’s for those who have never heard of it it’s a really nice steak house and I couldn’t believe it as if dinner wasn’t enough she had a very nice gift for us to enjoy in Hawaii. Aloha! Grandma #1.

During dinner my two sons were talking about a recent injury I sustained, it was door knob verses arm and the door knob won. I have been nursing that darn cut for three days, it’s a little red and hurts I jokingly told them it was MRSA they didn’t laugh but started discussing whether I should get prosthesis or hook after my arm falls off. At the same time Dana chimed in that I needed to have it checked ASAP. I explained I have some antibiotics at home and I’ll take some tonight and tomorrow and if it doesn’t get better I’ll go urgent care.

Now that my day is coming to an end, I’m in my PJ’s, drinking some tea, my tank is full and I have a big smile. Most all of my wishes came true, my mom was on cruise control all day, I spent the evening with family, and had a wonderful dinner and maybe next year Al will be wearing that Speedo.

Dana seemed to be feeling better. She loves birthday gifts, Phyllis gave her a beautiful locket that opens like a four leaf clover and holds four pictures. She loved Mac’s portraits, and I think she liked the new games we got her. Chris and her had a game night with friends and got their butt kicked, apparently they’re not smarter than a fifth grader, so their going to bone up on the games.

It was a wonderful birthday. Should I tell you how old us girls are, I think not you’ll just have to figure it out yourself.

Just A Little Soap, Just A little Water

Ever since my mom’s doctor told her she needed to go to an assisted living facility my mom’s disposition has changed. It’s been about six weeks since she’s called me or my husband a name. She has had a few mini tantrums but the full blown ones have stopped.
Every once in awhile I remind her it’s me keeping her home, if she feels she can longer behave she’s just a moment away from being taken to “the home”. Life has been good, not perfect but good.

Well, I’ve been doing the best not to control everything, she doesn’t like is to be told when things need to be done or for me to do something before she thinks it should be done.

My mom doesn’t use the tub/shower in her bathroom she prefers to use the stall shower in the extra bathroom, so her tub has become her personal hamper.

Well, the other day I couldn’t stand it any longer she has a few robes but tends to favor two in particular the green robe has been in the tub for over a month so everyday she’s been wearing the mauve one. This morning her robe looked like she’d been hit in the chest with a shotgun blast or had a horrible nose bleed, I almost called CSI to have forensics done to see who blood it was. It was splattered all down the front of her robe; it couldn’t be her blood no one could lose that much and still be walking. I watched her as she sat down to have her (two) Ensures. There it was the answer, I saw her transfer the straw from the first bottle to the second she splattered Ensure everywhere; the chocolate on the mauve gave the appearance of blood. I usually say nothing and just wait until she’s ready for me to do her wash today was different her robe was filthy.

“Mom, what’s all over your robe?”
“Stains.”
“Mom, that’s not stains it’s your Ensure we need to wash your robe.”
“We don’t need to do anything; my robe is clean their stains.”
“Mom, you’ve been wearing that robe for over a month, it’s dirty.”
“It’s not dirty, it stained. I wouldn’t be wearing it if was dirty.”
“Whatever, lets wash it with the green one.”
“Wash your own clothes; you’re the one that’s dirty.”

So she draped her robe over her dresser to wear later, I picked it up along with the green one to wash and guess who following me down the hall yaking away.

“Where are you taking my robes?”
“To the wash.”
“Their not dirty, there stained, and you don’t know how to wash anyway.”
“Mom, calm down I’m putting your robes into the biohazard unit adding soap and water, if their stains they’ll be fresher stains and if their just dirty they’ll come out like new.”
“You can’t tell a stain from dirty, you’ll see I’m right.”

“Mom, here’s your robes.”
“They were stains, right?”
“No mom, they were dirty.”
“They weren’t dirty.”
“Your right they were filthy.”
“You’re filthy,”

Knowing that this would continue back and forth I turned to leave, and guess who was just a few steps behind.

“They were stains, what did you put on them,”
“Water and soap.”
“What else?”
“Nothing else water and soap.”
“No you did something else what was it?”
“Well I did have help; it was either a stain angel or a real pretty bio hazard tech that had wings.”
“Real funny.”

What’s Up LA Times?

Okay its time to take on the big boys the “Los Angeles Times.” They recently had an article about children that are watched after school by their grandparents, are more likely to be heavier than children watched by their parents or other daycare providers.
Who in the hell are these people to make such a statement I would like to quote some of what was said but I was so angry I ate the paper.

Now I’m a typical grandparent who provides after school care for my (adorable) granddaughter. My day starts at 3:00 picking her up from school. Now I do feed Mackenzie after school because normally she doesn’t eat all her lunch, she is usually to busy talking or running around. I will admit to feeding her McDonalds, she likes the fish sandwich and apple slices or we go straight home where I make her soup, grilled cheese or she just snacks on fruit dried or fresh or veggies she loves veggies but to be totally honest I will get her an occasional slurpee.

Next we have homework, she so far has a list of about sixty reading words from school. Grandma has an additional list of eighty words she has learned, no slacker grandma here. Now depending on what day it is after homework, it’s either back into the car for cooking class (one day a week) Tae Kon Do (two times a week) T-ball (4 times a week) and dance (one day a week).

Now since she’s older (6 years old) and her parents work for a family business, and their boss whose name also starts with grandma looks the other way so daddy can manage the T-ball team and mommy and grandpa can coach while I maintain my status as locker room attendant and chauffer. Her daddy has been picking her up earlier to take her to Tae Kwon Do since there’s limited seating and it’s just to long of a class for me to stand.

Now on occasion when mom and dad have errands we play beauty shop, doctors, school or volley ball. On a typical week she averages maybe an hour of TV a week under grandma’s watch.

So LA Times you should retract your article because most grandparents now are in their fifties, were not sitting in rockers all day long, heck were probably more active than the person who sat behind the desk for eight hours who wrote the article.

Most grandparents have a vested interest to keep their grandchildren busy, active and out of trouble. I am offended to think that someone would say we sit our grandkids in front of the TV and stuff them all day long.

Maybe your next article should be about grandparents getting heavier since they are always sitting as spectators or chauffeuring their skinny grandkids to and fro.

Chuck E. Cheese and Valentines Day

On Valentines Day Mackenzie was invited to their neighbor’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese, well since Dana and Chris were still in Florida grandpa and grandma were the designated party goers. I was actually looking forward to seeing Dana’s neighbors because they are what I call “good people”.

Since I’m still using a cane grandpa dropped me and Mac off by the door so I wouldn’t have to walk very far. Now I’ve taken Mac to Chuck E. Cheese before but it was during the school year when she was in preschool and on both occasions it was relatively empty just a few stay at home mom’s with preschoolers.

Well, I opened the door expecting very few people after all it was Valentines Day and the Chinese New Year. What a shock! There were thousands (ok maybe not thousands) of kids and their parents. I had to use the cane to make room to walk, by that time Paul caught up with us, and went ahead to find the party. Fifteen minutes later I sat down, we couldn’t find anyone, I tried to call Dana thinking I got the wrong day, then finally I saw where they were sitting.

They had reserved two large tables I sat at the end so all the young people could sit with their kids and visit, finally another grandma came, then an old neighbor who had older kids so they sat near me and I had a nice time visiting.

Unfortunately I felt bad for Paul, not only was the crowd overwhelming he had security duty watching Mac crawl through multi colored tubes high in the air, they had clear plastic windows every few feet so you could watch your little hamsters (oops I mean children) go back and forth. Now I know the tubes were hot because Mac came out totally wet from sweat. So I figure the plastic windows were for the paramedics to know where to break in and rescue the kids who collapse from heat exhaustion.

While sitting there they started to bring out pizzas, hot wings, salads and drinks, it was a little early for us to eat so we weren’t really hungry, but again the company was nice and I was enjoying myself. Finally I thought I would try a slice of pizza when I saw a huge, I mean huge rat come out of the kitchen I dropped the pizza, people started yelling and clapping, it was deafening Chuck E! Chuck E! The people behind me were screaming then I realized it was Mr. Cheese or Chuck E. as everyone was calling him.

When people are excited to see a six foot rat come out of a kitchen its time for us to leave. We said our goodbyes and started out the door only to be stopped to see if were leaving with the same hamster we came in with.

Stepping off the curb I turned and saw the placard with an A rating for cleanliness. With that many hamsters and a giant rat, they must pay off the inspectors.

Call It Weed Or Grass, It Could Still Equal Jail Time

Ok this entry is about my husband the saint and his preoccupation with “weed” or “grass” and my feelings towards his hobby of meticulously filling up anywhere from an eight ounce to gallon size baggies of what he calls the pure, primo stuff that’s chemical free.

He gets his stash from a neighbor’s yard. I have seen on many a day, my husband in the garage smiling from ear to ear putting his “find” in baggies and storing it in our refrigerator to keep it fresh until our son Chris comes by. But now he’s has our daughter Dana involved and the other day she blurted out in the supermarket to Chris that if he didn’t pick up the weed today he needed to buy some. Well I cannot stand quietly by any longer.

I have now set up some ground rules if Paul wants to be Chris’s supplier, he is no longer be able to do the hand off in the parking lot when we meet for dinner. No longer is he to put his stash in the baby’s backpack so she can take home to her dad, no longer is he to call it by their street names grass and weed.

The three of them need to grow up, their all adults, the chemical free weed and grass should be called by their proper names dandelions and St Augustine, just put the pure chemical free clippings (our neighbor does not use any weed killer on her grass) in a plastic grocery bag, and stop using my expensive baggies. The kids can then take home the grocery bag and feed it to Honu and Scutes their Sulcata Tortoises. Or else I’ll stop the free supply and they will be forced to buy fresh produce at the store to feed them.


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