How To Kill Yourself In Two Easy Steps

Sorry that I’ve been MIA but my knee went out and I went down for the count. Usually when this happens it takes about four days to be up again, but this time it’s different. It’s been a week and I still can’t walk, there’s no pain until I stand, it’s almost as if my brain subconsciously has a conversation with my knee;

“Where in the hell are you going?”
“I just need to get up.”
“Is it worth the pain I’ll be sending down to remind you something’s wrong.”
“No not really.”
“Do you really need to go to the bathroom or should you try to hold it a little longer?”
“I’ll hold it.”
“Is getting up to eat something worth it?”
“NO.”
(In fact I wasn’t eating because I couldn’t get to the kitchen).

I have a problem and I need a solution, finally the answer came to me, my dad’s walker and cane.

Now we’ve all seen the elderly using walkers, so it should be an easy solution. I figured I could use the walker to take some weight off my knee so I would experience less pain when walking.

Well there must be a secret class that the elderly take to learn how to use the walker without looking like a total spastic.

I could’ve killed myself. The walker has two wheels in front and legs in the back. My first mistake was trying to walk quietly (now I know why tennis balls are placed on the back legs) it sounded as if an RTD bus was making a fast stop in the dining room I was even leaving skid marks, so I decided instead of gliding like a gazelle I would pick the walker up place it one step ahead of me and walk into it. Well, since there’s warning sticker like on the visor in the car, I had to learn the hard way, put the legs down first not the wheels. Thank goodness the island in the kitchen stopped me and the walker before I became airborne.

Another mistake when you have to go, go. If you need to use the walker you’ll be walking much slower and if there’s a obstacle in the way (like the walker is wider than the bathroom door and your big ass and the walker have to go in sideways you just might and I repeat you just might not make it.).

So, instead of the walker I’ve decided to use the cane.

There is an art to using the cane you just can’t put it in your hand and miraculously know how to walk.

My first mistake was using the cane on the side of my injured leg. Second I was placing the cane out in front and walking towards it, both were wrong. Believe it or not I had to Google “How to use a cane.”

Here’s what I found; you have to hold the cane in the hand opposite the affected side so it can provide support to the affected leg. Advance the cane simultaneously with the affected leg. Lean your weight through the arm holding the cane as needed. Ok, for some reason I cannot hold the cane in my left hand and move it the same time that I move my right leg, I’m uncoordinated it’s just too hard.

So I kept Googling, and found out that 47,000 elderly are hurt in walker and cane mishaps every year. So in order to avoid being 47,001 I decided to take another route.

When I need to get around I hang onto the furniture, walls and anyone going in the same direction I want to go and its been working out fine, other than that I’ve been in bed.

Thanks to my son Chris bringing me some meds that will help with the pain and swelling I’m on the road to recovery and I’m doing much better, In fact I’m sitting in front of my computer going through fifty gazillion emails (thanks Roy) that are cheering me up.

So pray the meds keep working, it’s much better to be on the road to recovery than laying in the middle of the road praying for a fast ending.

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8 Responses to “How To Kill Yourself In Two Easy Steps”


  1. 1 Jennifer February 5, 2010 at 7:59 am

    HI
    YOU SOUND LIKE GAIL. WHEN YOU HAVE TIME PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL HER SHE GETS UP EARLY AND SHE WILL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO FOR KNEE PAIN. SHE HAS BEEN DEALING WITH THE PAIN FOR MANY YEARS. TAKE CARE. STAY DOWN. JENNIFER

    • 2 Nancy February 7, 2010 at 9:28 pm

      I’ve talk to Gail before about her knee pain and I don’t know she’s been able to handle it for so long. I’m usually not a wimp to pain but this time it’s been unbearable. The last two days have been better, just in time to watch Mac for a week while Dana and Chris go to Daytona for the races.
      Jennifer thank you for your concern.

      Nancy

  2. 3 Barbara February 5, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    Oh my!! I guess I better learn how to use Mom’s walker now for when the time comes that I’ll need one!
    Glad you didn’t kill yourself! Be careful and I hope you heal soon! 🙂

    • 4 Nancy February 7, 2010 at 9:34 pm

      Barbara, your petite enough that when you walk towards the walker you can also walk into it, it’s more difficult when yours hips are wider then the walker, it leaves room for a slip and fall. I think I’ll invest in a skateboard and tow rope. 🙂

  3. 5 GAIL February 6, 2010 at 3:48 pm

    I JUST READ YOUR DELIMIA….I FOUND THAT GOOD OLD BEN GAY GEL…NON GREASY AND NO SMELL IS GREAT ALSO THE CAPISINE…IT’S EASIER TO APPLY BECAUSE OF THE SPONGE TOP SO YOUR HANDS DON’T GET INVOLVED AND NEED TO BE WASHED..(ANOTHER TRIP TO THE SINK) I PLAN MY STEPS AND DO GROCERY SHOPPING ONLY ONCE A WEEK TO SAVE STEPS….LOTS OF TYLENOL ON A REG BASIS AND OF COURSE STAY OFF IT AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE…DON’T FORGET HOW HELPFUL ICE IS ON A SWOLLEN KNEE…10 MIN ON AND 10 MIN OFF….THIS TO WILL GO AWAY IN TIME….I USUALLY HAVE TO STAY DONE FOR AT LEAST A WEEK….HASN’T THIS RAIN BEEN GREAT…..TAKE CARE…GAIL

  4. 6 Nancy February 7, 2010 at 9:42 pm

    I didn’t know there’s a Ben Gay without the stink and with a sponge applicator (I need to get out more). Thank goodness I’m feeling better. I too have been planning my steps and shopping trips by having Paul do everything. 🙂 As far as putting ice on my knee, our ice never makes it pass the snow cone machine. 🙂
    See you soon.

  5. 7 Jamest Lasie March 8, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    Your comment about something, i suggest too be it more long as possible.

  6. 8 Nancy April 22, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    I’m so sorry it took so long reply, I have been under alot of stress however will be posting soon!


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