I Want To Die or I Asked The Lord To Take Me

In past entries I have mentioned that there are at least twelve things my mom says everyday that drive me crazy. 

Previous entries listing one through six were; “Anger Management, Why Are You Yelling”, “Mom’s Dietary Commentary”, “Water Torture”, “Coffee Water”, “Vomit”, and “I Can’t Eat Like You People”. Now, seven and eight are; “I Want To Die” and “I Asked The Lord To Take Me But, I’m Still Here”.

Everyday she will say those two sentences, if not to me, to someone, anyone who will listen. She really doesn’t want to die, she just wants attention. When my dad was alive she would say; “Dominick, why are we still here?” he would reply, “I don’t know, let’s do a suicide pact you go first,” then he would laugh.   

Well, I heard it so much, for so long, I can’t laugh anymore. I no longer have the energy to have the same conversation everyday; she lives for anyone to persuade her to live and to tell her how lucky she is. Well, I can’t do it anymore, so I’m now taking the same route as my dad. 

“I want to die,”
(Silence) 
“I want to die.”
(Silence)
“Nancy, did you hear me? I want to die.”
“I heard you; sounds like you’ve made up your mind.”
“I ask the Lord, everyday to take me, but I’m still here.”
“If you ask him everyday, and your still here, it’s either not your time, or he doesn’t want problems in heaven, or dad’s telling him to leave you here just a little longer.”
“Don’t be funny.”
“I’m not being funny; you’re still here aren’t you?” 

Well, it’s not funny, but it’s easier not to take her seriously. Since I’ve been laughing it off she’s saying it less to me. Everyone else finds it easier just to ignore what she’s saying. 

I’m so tired of being here, I wish I could leave, but, I won’t at least not yet. 

Do I think it will be worth it at the end? Yes, after all she’s my mother. 

But, it’s whose end I’m worried about.

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6 Responses to “I Want To Die or I Asked The Lord To Take Me”


  1. 1 seniorsafari May 19, 2009 at 7:27 am

    “Since I’ve been laughing it off she’s saying it less to me.”

    —because she’s not getting the kind of attention she wants so your method must be working! Keep it up! Don’t worry/think about ‘the end’–one day at a time Nancy. 😉

  2. 2 Nancy May 21, 2009 at 6:55 am

    That’s what the family has been telling me, don’t react and she’ll stop. Easier said than done…
    🙂

  3. 3 armando magana February 10, 2010 at 6:01 pm

    Sorry to say this. but I am also ready to go. I know its not going to happen, but that is what i pray for. More than that i wish i never had been born. My saying is (TO BE OR NOT TO BE, I SAY NEVER HAVE BEEN

    • 4 Nancy February 10, 2010 at 8:14 pm

      I am taking what you have written very seriously, while I don’t know your circumstances whether its an illness, depression or loneliness that is making you feel that your life is not worth living, but life is not always what we expect, you and only you have the ability to change the way you feel or the path your life will take. I am a true believer that God gives us only what we can handle but sometimes it’s not easy we have to work at finding peace and happiness within ourselves. Whether you believe it or not there are many reasons why you are here. You today have affected someone’s life, a family member, friend or acquaintance maybe it was just a smile or a hug just those two acts alone can make a big difference. Please take the time to realize how all the people around you would be affected if you are not here. You even made me realize as much as I complain how much I still need and love my mom, so maybe you were here to remind me how lucky I am. I have learned over the years to see the humor in everything in my life. Please know that I for one am glad you are still here. Please know that you are in my prayers.

  4. 5 Reggie February 20, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    I am also very sorry to say this but I am also ready to go. My life is a total mess. I have arrived at a point where I don’t want to go on. I love my Mom and Father and it is unfair to think this way but I do. I’m 53 years old and have lost my perspective on life. Job,finances, health, dental, depression, everything. Please pray that God leads me out of the darkest period of my life. PLEASE.

  5. 6 Nancy February 21, 2010 at 10:14 am

    It is extremely difficult to keep your perspective when it seems that everything in your life is going wrong, it can even make you feel that you no longer want to live. But you need to focus look around you’ll see your problems are not unique and there are many more people with health and financial problems that are bigger than yours. As a child I was brought up thinking you should never ask God for anything that you feel you need but to be thankful for what you have, but now I come to the conclusion that it alright to ask God for direction in your life, admitting that you need his help and placing your trust in him you’ll find your way back onto the right path. It may seem that your prayers are not being answered but he does hear you. No matter what may happen God has promised he will always protect you in your toughest times if you truly believe in him. It’s your faith that will get you through.


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