Sicker than You

Let me start out by saying I’m never sick.
Until last week.

I had taken my aunt to the hospital and apparently I picked up a bug. Within a few days, I was congested and had a headache. 

I only complained to my husband, I didn’t say a word to my mother. Unless it involved her, she wouldn’t even notice. I did real well the first four days, on the fifth day I thought my head was going to explode. 

When my mom got up on the fifth day (around 11:00am), I finally told her I had a headache, didn’t feel well, and was going to lie down. After thirty minutes, she became bored without anyone to pick on and went looking for me.

Mistake number one, I didn’t lock the bedroom door. I was in a sound sleep:

“What are you doing? Nancy, answer me, what are you doing?”
“Mom, why did you wake me? I was sleeping.”
“I know, you were snoring.”
“Then, why did you wake me?”
“Why do you get upset so easily?”
“Mom, just let me rest.”

Mistake number two, I didn’t get up the first time and lock the door. Twenty minutes later again in a sound sleep:

“Nancy, are you asleep? Nancy, can you hear me?”
“Mom, why did you wake me?”
“I forgot to ask if you still had your headache.”
“Mom, please let me rest. I don’t feel well.”

Mistake number three. No one can ever be sicker than my mom:

“You don’t feel well? I’m the one that’s sick. If you were as sick as me, you would want to die.” So, I’m not dead and this isn’t Hell.
“Ok, mom you’re sicker than me.”
“It’s true, I am sicker than you. My shoulders, back, arms, legs, and under my ribs hurt. Only your head hurts.”
Well, actually it started in my head. Now the pain’s down to my ass.
You’re right, Mom, you are sicker than me.” (Silence)

I turn around to face her and she’s not even there. Now I can’t sleep. 

Later that evening my kids came over with pizza and dessert for a night of Wii.

Mom came out at five o’clock to tell everyone she didn’t feel well and was going to bed. On Sunday, she wouldn’t get up. I was making noise all morning, but no Mom. I didn’t want to go in her room because it would start the whole I’m sicker than you routine. But, I had to go in.

“Mom, its two in the afternoon, get up.”
“My side hurts; I can’t get up.”
“Do you want to go to Urgent Care?”
“I want you to get out and leave me alone.”
(Fifteen minutes later.)
“Mom, if you don’t get up in thirty minutes, I’m calling my brother and he can come take you to the doctor’s or call the paramedics. You have been in bed twenty-one hours. Once you get up, I’ll see how sick you are.”
“I’m sicker than you.”

Fifteen minutes later, she’s up drinking her Ensure.
I’m in her room changing sheets. 

“I’m going to throw up.” (No comment and no throw up).

At 4:15pm, I made her salmon, a fork full of green beans, and a tablespoon of potato salad. 

“Don’t make too much, I’m not hungry.”
“Just eat what you can.”
“Well, I can’t eat all this.”
“Mom, it’s not much, you can eat it.”
“Don’t tell me it’s not much, I can’t see the plate.”
“Mom, it’s a saucer, not a plate.”
“It’s a lot of food and I’m not feeling well.”

It’s now five o’clock and she’s going to bed, her last words to me before going into her room were “I might get up later for dessert, I’ll let you know.” Well, tonight I’m sicker than she is. I plan to be in a coma in a few hours and nothing is going to get me to open my eyes or my mouth.


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