I haven’t posted an entry since October 19th.

I’ll try to write about the moment. On November 1st, I hit rock bottom. I felt I couldn’t tell anyone about my feelings that day. I’m better now and have new entries to post. However, first I have to post the entry that almost did me in.

All my fond memories of growing up, are of my Dad;

The skateboard he made me out of my old skates. (It resembled a scooter, he didn’t want me to fall).
Deep sea fishing. (With a custom rod he had made for me)
Taking me shopping for my first Easter dress, that I got to pick out myself. (Ok, that was a mistake)
Making me laugh over the dumbest things.
Teaching me to swim.
Teaching me to ride my bike, then understanding when it was stolen because I forgot it at school.

But today it’s about the truth, no jokes, no funny lines. Just the truth. I miss my Dad.

It’s been twenty-two months since he passed. I have tried to keep myself together, but I’m doing a miserable job. I can make you laugh with the entries about my Mom. I try to keep it light. But in fact I’m drowning. Some days are harder than others and today happens to be very hard.

If you read my Mom’s Gotta Go entries, I’m at the point of trying to scare her into being someone you want to be with and take care of. As much as I might like you to think it’s working, it’s not. She has gotten better as far as name-calling, but nothing else.

Here I am again, drowning. I have my hands in the air for help. My family and friends are trying to pull me out. But, it’s like I’m dead weight, not even trying to rescue myself. Why?

I feel that there are very few problems in one’s life, only inconveniences. So, why am I feeling this way?

The other day a man at Rite Aid was watching me. I knew I looked tired. He said God only gives us what we can handle. He must think very highly of you.

Saint Nancy, is what the pool man calls me. 

I must see myself differently from everyone else. I do not have the strength that everyone thinks I have. What keeps me going on the bad days is the fear of failing and letting my Dad down.

Yes, I go through the motions. I do what has to be done. I put my emotional needs last. After all I’m now the mother. And, I love my Mother. I would do anything for her. But now, three weeks later from the start of this entry, I have come to the point that one must realize we can never make another person truly happy.

Emotionally, I was very close to my Dad. I don’t know if I will ever recover from his passing. I do know these bouts of depression that creep up need to stop. I must realize that what I had with my Dad, I will always have in my memories.

All my life, my Mother has been critical of everyone. Over the past few years she would mostly pick at my Dad. Now that he has passed, I have taken his place. Two of my mother’s doctor’s have said that some older patients take their frustrations out on their caretakers and the ones they know will never leave. Yes, I think about leaving, but I know I never will.

Some people will read my entries and laugh, some will say how sad. Others will see themselves, a family member or friend and think, can I help?

I’ve talked to people who are dealing with, or who have dealt with, a difficult parent. They feel the same as I do. Thank you for asking, but I’m okay. The truth is we are not okay. We sign on for this and can’t admit to ourselves that we are in over our heads, how can we admit to anyone else that we failed.

I pray that one day, my Mom will see how beautiful life is and be grateful for one more day. But, I’m not going to hold my breath.

This is where I’m going to leave it. I feel better and now back to my old self. I will post a new entry in a day or so. So thank you for listening, I almost didn’t post this entry but I felt it was best for me to get my feelings out. I hope you all understand and for those of you that may be going through the same, just know your not alone.


1 Response to “Depression”

  1. 1 Your BF November 25, 2008 at 7:40 am


    You have got to stop this. I believe God knows and understands everything you are going through. As the man in Rite-Aid said, God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. I believe that means that you CAN HANDLE putting your mom in a place where she will be taken care of by others. You can visit her everyday or twice a day. That is a loving thing to do for her, for you and for your family. Why are you harder on yourself than anyone? Your Dad is in heaven and he understands too now, as he can see it all clearly with God beside him. Please, give this to God, trust Him. He will help you. You will be doing the most loving thing you can do.
    Love and Giant Hugs,
    Your BF

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