Underwear

Today I’m talking about underwear. It seems like all my underwear (panties and bras) give out (or give up) at the same time.

I’ll start with my panties. I made a decision on vacation that I would throw them out. Every pair I have are old and worn out – no elastic left.

I buy my panties at The Avenue ($16.00 each). They are made of Body Nylon/Spandex and Cotton. Some of the selling features are slight tummy control, no side seams, tag-less, with a wide-stretch waistband that’s designed for comfort and a sleek look.

Well, the other day they were on sale for $12.00, and a promo was going that if you spent $100.00, your purchase was half off! I immediately ordered nine pairs ($108.00) at half off ($54.00).

I ordered the correct size – the size I always wear. I put a pair on, forgetting that my new panties are going to be snugger than my old, worn out pairs. Maybe I should have dried myself better after my shower.

Passing over the ankles, no problem. Knees, a little tight. Add to the problem that my legs are still not completely dry, which was making the elastic not go on as smoothly as it should. To get them over my thighs, I had to give a little tug. (For all you plus size gals, I had to pull like h-ll.)

No sooner did I get a pair on, I had to go to the bathroom. The damn things are tight. At this point, who cares if they’re tag-less? The information regarding size and care that’s inked on the waistband is now tattooed on my body. Seamless yes, however my legs and the upper part of my tummy are popping over like a muffin top.

I can’t even look at a glass of water without having to go. The last time I pulled them up, my thumbs got stuck between my panties and tummy. Mental note to self: remember new panties are always tight; don’t throw out all your old ones until the new ones are broken in.

Two days after the panty problem, I thought I was having a heart attack. I had sharp pains under my left arm and breast. I was careful not to move to cause more pain, and I tried to keep a slow, controlled breathing pattern. It seemed like some positions hurt more than others and the pain became like stabbing on my left breast.

I made the decision that I would go to the doctor. But I first thought, what if it’s the panties backing everything up? I decided to get undressed to see if that would help.

Well, it wasn’t the panties, it wasn’t a heart attack, it was my bra. The underwire broke and it became a lethal weapon. An inch more and I would have punctured a lung.

I have had underwires break before, but they usually work out in front like a microphone sticking out of my sweater this one broke under my breast and arm. So I went shopping to try bras without underwires. No can do. My boobs looked like a 500lb person in a hammock almost scraping the ground.

I tried on sports bras (yeah, right), minimizers (are you kidding?), wide straps, gel straps, front closures. I came home with a Cross Your Heart bra with gel straps, four hook closures, and yes, underwires.

I am so tightly wrapped now in my new bra and panties that if something were to give, I feel sorry for who ever is standing within two feet on me.

To all my friends, I hope you recognize me. I’m now smooth, seamless… and perky!

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