What Happened?

Wikipedia:

“If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” is a philosophical riddle that raises questions regarding observation and knowledge of reality. 

My question is, if you’re in the same room as your wife, and she falls do you hear, see or feel it? Apparently not. 

Since we’ve been back from Hawaii, I’ve fallen twice. The first time was in the family room which is open to the kitchen. My husband was at the sink about twenty feet away from me I got up and tripped, down I went like a ton of bricks, when I landed I was directly in front on him about ten feet away. I swear when I hit the ground I bounced. 

I knew I was going down; nothing I could do to prevent it, first there was a rush of air, then a thud. I looked up and my husband said; 

“What happened?”  
“What, do you mean what happened?”
“Did, you trip?”
(No, I just felt like getting up and throwing myself to the ground.)
“Yes, Paul I tripped.”
“Can I help you get up?”
“No, let me just lay here so I can see if the vacuum is doing a good job.” 

Well, I was fine, nothing broken, just a little embarrassed. 

About a week later, I decided to mop the kitchen floor, something that my husband always does for me. Now remember I’m plus size and have bad knees. My husband said he’d do it, but I don’t know why I kept mopping. I guess in one spot I had a little too much water and my foot hit the spot and down I went. This time Paul was only a few feet away from me, but it happened so fast I couldn’t reach over and take him down with me; oops I mean I couldn’t hold on. It felt like slow and fast motion all at the same time. 

I actually felt graceful, while I was doing the splits, my torso was in a half turn, like a ballerina in flight, arms in the air over my head, I must have looked beautiful. Then the thud. Again; 

“What happened?”  
“What, do you mean what happened, didn’t you see me fall?”
“Yes.”
“Did you see and hear me hit the kitchen floor?”
“Yes.”
“Then why are you asking me?”
“I dunno, oh now, I see what happen you slipped in the water.”
“Are you sure its water? I might have sprung a leak.”
“No, it’s water.”

So, here’s my answer;

 ”If a tree falls in a forest (or your wife in the house) and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” Yes, not only is there sound, there is movement in the air and on the ground. However, my question is if someone is present when the tree or wife falls, will they always ask “What happened?”

Dr Oz, Again

I’ve written two entries about Dr. Oz, “Living Longer” in April 2009, and “The Hour by Hour Commitment” back in August of 2008, If you remember both times he’s scared the hell out of me. Since then it’s been no more Dr. Oz.  

Well, now he has his own show, I wasn’t going to watch it, but it’s like when you pass a train wreck, no matter how hard you try not to look you still do. So I checked it out on the internet, it says Dr. Oz kicks off a daily show that’s all about YOU. Shit he’s after me again. 

The first episode he follows a viewer who frequents fast food three times a day, six days a week. He puts her in the truth tube which lists her weight, blood pressure, LDL level and her chronological age compared to her real age (which is what her body thinks it is). In her case she was twenty-nine, her body was thirty-five. Yikes. My LDL level and blood pressure are better than hers, but my weight and BMI are worse. My age is is fifty-six but I’ll assume my real body age is somewhere around ninety-three, I knew I shouldn’t have watched this damn show.  

He also talked about good sex, he had a man and woman from the audience place circles (I guess to represent bull’s eye’s) on cutouts of the opposite sex, where they thought the other sex’s erogenous zones were. By using the circles on the cutouts you and your partner can talk about what each other needs. Oh, brother, just open your mouth and tell your spouse what you need, if you can’t be direct make a game out of it, your getting warmer, now your getting cold, warm, cold get the idea?  

Something else I learned, was the erogenous zones on a man, they were; the brain, lips, perineum, and down south. For the woman it’s the brain, feet, belly button and G-spot. For me it’s; MacDonald’s, In & Out or Burger King, a good dessert and a Netflix movie. 

Another thing they talked about was purses. He picked three women from the audience and analyzed their purses for germs. Gross, they found germs and fungus that can cause asthma, meningitis, even fecal contaminates. Starting today, no more purses, I’m using a fresh plastic grocery bag every day to carry my wallet, keys and makeup. Everything from now on will be disposable. 

Oh my husband just called he’ll be home early, if I have money (I’ll check my plastic bag) we’ll get take out for dinner, I didn’t tell him the mailman just delivered a new Netflix movie, so I guess someone’s getting lucky later.

Beach Day

On the second day we packed a lunch, grab our towels went to Lydgate State Park, its two beach ponds, that allows for fresh ocean water to enter, along with fish, but its rocks protect you from the oceans force. It’s pretty popular with families with small children. 

We found a picnic table with shade about twenty five feet from the ocean. Once we got settled and the baby was in the ocean, I decided I was going to surprise everyone by walking into the water up to my knees. 

Now remember I’m plus size and have bad knees so I walk slowly. I removed my sandals and started on my trek, only to stop about five feet into my journey. The sand was hotter than hell, and my weight pushed me into the sand up to my ankles. So there I was in slow motion trying to pull my legs out and get my big butt to safety. Dana realized what happened and offered me her thongs, but the damage was done, I figured if I got stuck in the sand closer to the water, the beach goers’ might try to keep me wet as they pulled me back into the ocean. 

So I went back into the shade. I decided to try and even out my farmer tan, so I sat in the sand to catch a few rays. Now the area we were in was a picnic area and I could smell either bacon or Spam (Hawaiian’s love Spam), cooking but I couldn’t find out where it was coming from. After a few minutes it felt like my butt was having a hot flash, the sand was so hot it was my behind sizzling, so I decided the safest place for me was back in the condo, but I settled for the picnic bench. 

Oh I almost forgot about this guy we saw at the beach. He appeared to be of Italian descent, on a scale of one to ten he was a thirty-four. I will call him Adonis.

Adonis was accompanied by an average looking young girl and two old ladies. The young girl laid on her towel getting some rays; he was about twenty feet away caring for the two ladies. Now I was watching everyone on the beach, all the husbands/boyfriends were putting sunscreen on their mates the usual way by just slapping it on, you could tell they just wanted to get done. Adonis on the other hand was putting it on in such a way I longed for a cigarette and for him to hold me. He was so attentive putting on their sunglasses, smoothing their hair, it was almost x-rated, I’m not joking I video taped part of it. My niece, my daughters and the guys were mesmerized trying to figure out what was up. The guys thought he was a grandson or a son-in-law but us women knew what was up, his full name was Adonis Gigolo, and he was worth every penny. As he was leaving my son said maybe he’s their nurse. My reply; “I’m terminally ill.”