Monday night when darkness fell, we brought mom home.

We put mom in the backseat, she was confused because she always rides shotgun. Then I got in, right next to her, when she realized no one was sitting in the front seat with Paul, she looked like a deer caught in headlights. 

A thirty minute car ride must have been an eternity. I clearly and sternly told her what was off limits, I explained there was a new sheriff in town and all laws are to be adhered to; 

No more DUI’s; being, Discourteous Under the guise of Insanity.
No more terrorist threats of caregivers or their family. 

Black Tuesday, or the Day the Earth Stood Still, started early; 

“Mom, its eight o’clock time to get up.”
“No, I’ll get up later when I want to.”
“No more getting up at eleven, you will be getting up in the morning and exercising.”
“I’m not going to exercise; my doctor said I don’t need to exercise.”
“That was the doctor at Disneyland, your doctor at Kaiser said you need to walk for exercise, and I’m not going to discuss it anymore.”
“You’re a Gestapo.”
“Get used to it.” 
“Mom, you’ve been up for three hours, I need you to walk two or three times from your bedroom to the den.”
“I’ll walk later.”
“If you’re not up in fifteen minutes, I’m going to put your chair into the standing up position, so you’ll have to get up.” 
“Why are you being so mean?”
“It’s not that I’m being mean, you need to drink, eat and exercise, once you get your blood circulating you’ll feel better.”
“I’ll feel better when you leave.” 

Later that day; 

“Mom, its time for lunch.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“I didn’t ask if you were hungry, I said its time for lunch.”
“I’m not going to eat, I’m not going to eat, I’m not going to eat.”
“Paul, bring me the video camera.”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m going to video what we go through at every meal and show everyone how you behave.”

She ate everything.  

It didn’t go as smoothly as I wrote, I ran into a lot speed bumps, but ultimately each day got a little easier. She still tried to start arguments but instead of trying to reason with her, which would leave us both frustrated, a few times I would laugh and sing dumb songs, and believe it or not it worked; 

“Mom lets get everything ready for your shower.”
“I don’t need you to help me, Nancy go get my Depends, and a new nightgown.”
“Ok, I have everything you need.”
“Turn on the water, and regulate it, help me take off my nightgown and slippers, help me get into the shower.”
“Mom, let me help you, sometimes you miss washing areas that need to be washed.”
“I know how to shower; I don’t need your help.”
“Ok, just trying to help you out, forget  I asked.”
“Nancy, wrap a large towel around my back, get a little one for my body and feet, and then help me out.
“Ok, mom everything is done.”
“No, help me with my slippers and zip up my robe.”
“Mom, after helping you I need another shower, I’m sweating.”
“You don’t help me, you never help me, and you never do anything for me.”
“What, I do everything for you” and then I remembered this is how it starts, so I stopped and started singing.” 

“You never do anything for me, hee hee, hoo hoo.”
“You never do anything for me, hee hee, hoo hoo.”
“You never do anything for me, hee hee, hoo hoo, ha ha”
“Are you drunk?
“I don’t drink, hee hee,hoo hoo.” 

I couldn’t believe it by meeting her with laughter instead of frustration she stopped and walked away. So if all it takes is humor to avoid her constant need of arguing, I’m free, free at last. 

Hee hee, hoo hoo, ha ha. 

Give Up? It’s my mother kicking me and my husband out of the hospital. 

Well, remember I’m taking the doctor’s advice, letting my mom decide what and when she’ll eat and drink, because me pressuring her isn’t working. So her diet has been sweets and she has only been drinking about ten to fourteen ounces of water a day. I did remind her daily of the little amount she was eating and drinking but told her it just to make her aware. 

When I did her catheter the week before, I knew by the color, cloudiness and smell that she was possibly getting a kidney infection. She argued said I was not a doctor and on Friday she said she didn’t want me to do another catheter. By then her diapers smelled like ammonia. 

Saturday and Sunday, were okay days, she seemed to be fine, and by Monday I knew she would let me do the catheter. 

Now I’m with my mom twenty-four seven, with the exception of forty-five minutes Monday through Friday to pick up Mac from school and for about four to five hours one day a week when I go take care of my aunt. On those days Paul stays with her until after she showers and she has eaten, once she’s back in bed he leaves. 

Well, over the weekend my husband and I were finally going to start on redoing my mom’s bathroom it will be her Christmas gift. We already had put in a high profile toilet and now needed to pick up new tile so Paul could redo her tub into a larger shower with a built in sear and safety bars. We were also looking for a new sink cabinet to update everything. 

On Monday, Paul and I decided to go pick out tile and to see a few cabinets. Mom as usual did not want to get up, so we left her Ensure and breakfast ready. She was told not to take a shower until we returned. 

Well, we returned after a few hours, when we pulled up Paul noticed the bathroom light still on. When he reached the porch my mom started yelling; 

“Nancy, Nancy.” 
“Eva, Nancy’s getting out of the car.”
“I fell.” 

I rush into the house, and there she is lying in the shower in about two inches of water, she had been unable to turn off the water and there was a steady drip. To make matters worse she pooped all over. 

“Pick me up.”
“I can’t, your dead weight and with my bad back and dropped bladder there’s no way I can do it.”
“You just don’t want to do it.”
“No, mom I can’t Paul will have to pick you up.” 

So I cover her in a towel and Paul brought in a sheet, he used the sheet not only to cover her but put to pick her up. 

I pulled out her bath chair and we sat her down, I started rinsing the shower and Paul went to get the bleach to finish cleaning so we could put her back in and rinse her off. 

“Mom, what were you thinking you know your not supposed to take a shower when no ones home?”
“I didn’t want to wait, and I don’t need anyone here when I shower.”
“Apparently you do, how long were you in there?”
“Since nine this morning.”
“No, mom you hadn’t been in that long because of the steady drip of the water and your butt covering the drain the shower would have overflowed, I figure you’ve been in there two hours.”
“Stop talking and get me dressed.”
“Mom, once Paul is done scrubbing the shower we need to rinse you off then I’ll get you dressed.”
“Well, stop talking.” 

Paul finished the shower he picked her up, so I could put the shower seat back in; 

“I can’t put weight on my leg.”
“Mom, do you think it’s broken?”
“No maybe sprained.” 

I made the decision to call 911, she has had knees, hips, shoulders and elbows replaced even though she was talking and actually very clear headed I wasn’t going to take a chance doing any damage to her replacements. 

“911, state your emergency?”
“My, mother fell in the shower, she seems fine, we got her out about thirty minutes ago but she can’t put weight on her right leg.”
“The paramedics are on the way.” 

I go back into the bathroom. 

“Mom, I called 911, their on the way.”
“Why did you call, just pick me up, you never do anything right.”
“Mom, I know what happened your dehydrated and to weak to take a shower you probably passed out, this is your fault not mine.” 

My mom started to lean backwards when I stopped her she went forward then I realized she passed out. 

My mother almost died her core temperature was 92. Her blood pressure was 45 over 15. She non responsive, and suffering from severe dehydration. 

The paramedics worked on her outside for at least twelve minutes; they made a decision that she had to go to the USC Hospital since it is a trauma center.  

This was an experience, when I entered into the emergency area with the paramedics a guard stopped me and opened my purse, and then he asked; 

“Do you have any guns or knives?”
“What?”
“Do you have any weapons, a gun or a knife?”
“I’m an old lady from Temple City with my mother who was just brought in by the paramedics why would I have a weapon?” 

(I should have said yes my gun is next to my blush just underneath my lipstick. Now really the characters that would be carrying weapons into a trauma hospital would be handling unfinished business, does the guard really think by asking them they would answer honestly). 

Once inside, my mother was treated quickly. They asked me what happened, I updated them on her health and told them she was dehydrated with a possible kidney infection. They said she could go either way, it didn’t look good. I was escorted to a private room given a phone and two social workers came in to offer assistance. 

After an hour they escorted me back to my mom, they did all the lab work x-rays, ultra sounds but she needed a CT scan, she was so unstable the nurse refused to transport her without a doctor. By then my brother had arrived. She had dislocated her right hip, she had a major kidney infection and was completely dry as he put it so dehydrated she could go into renal failure, and they could not rule out a C2 fracture. They stabilized her with pressers popped her hip back in and transferred her to the ICU. 

The next day, she’s all plumped up, wearing a neck brace and in a hip abduction pillow; she was clearly upset that I was not taking her home. She wanted to talk about her illness and I explained she was not in the hospital due to illness, but from a fall due to dehydration. 

She was upset over her lack of care, as she put it they hadn’t even wiped her face. Well, I knew the nurse had fed her breakfast in the morning what else did she want. I explained while the nurses were settling her in I met some of the families that had relatives in the other rooms, one was a thirty-five year old man dying from a brain disease they were removing him from his ventilator in hopes that they could take him home to die. Another was a young girl in her twenties also on a ventilator from an illness, and last an accident victim. I told her all these people are ill, they’re fighting to live, they need care and I reminded her she was taking up space and the doctor’s time not because of an illness but because she didn’t drink water. She didn’t talk; I stayed for four hours and left.     

The next day, still in the brace and pillow the nurse asked if I could help her change mom’s bedding no problem while helping the nurse; 

“Mom, how do you feel?”
“Get me out of here.”
“Mom, were trying to transfer you to Kaiser, then to a rehabilitation convalescent home, to get you back on your feet.”
“I want to go home, not to Kaiser or anywhere else.”
“No, mom I can’t do this you need to be stronger,”
“Get out I don’t want to see you.”
“You told the nurse earlier you wanted me here.”
“You should be here, you’re my daughter you’re obligated.”
“No mom, I’m not obligated.”
“Then get out.”

The nurse was trying to tell my mother that I was helping her and had only her best interest in mind, but mom wanted me and Paul out. We went and talked to the doctor who explained that she would be moved from ICU to a regular room, he and the nurse were apologizing for my mother’s behavior. I explained this was normal for her and left. 

The next day I didn’t go since they were to have been transferring her to Kaiser (a process that took three days, this will be another entry later.) 

Now she’s at Kaiser Sunset, in the Neurology Unit. I went to visit her; she’s in a private room under evaluation, being the weekend we probably won’t know anything definite until Monday or Tuesday. 

When I walked into her room I could tell she angry, she wants to go home and she is coherent enough to know that I want her to go for rehabilitation, she’s promising to eat and drink fluids, but she’s done this before and I need her to realize changes need to be made. She wanted to know if people knew she was there and in a neck brace, I told her this is not a game, people are tired, she always wants to be sick that’s why no one comes to visit anymore this obsession is ruining her life, her response was that I ruined my life years ago. 

I picked up my purse and left. I don’t need anymore drama, she needs to realize that you don’t bite the hand that feeds you, and I need to realize she won’t remember any of this tomorrow.

At fifty-six, I finally did it, I ran away from home. 

Two weeks ago my mom was in top form, I hadn’t been feeling well and she just wouldn’t let up, for everything I would say she had an answer, something had to give and it was me. All morning tit for tat, then finally the last straw; 

“Mom, we need to air out your room today.”
“The air in my room is fine, keep the window closed.”
“Mom lets open the window half way and turn the fan on for thirty minutes while you’re in the den, then we’ll close up shop again.”
“Let’s keep the window closed, why do you want to air out my room?”
“Mom, your Depends smell strong, you’re not drinking enough fluids, and I don’t want the odor throughout the house.”
“My Depends don’t stink.”
“Yeah, mom they do.”
“I don’t smell them.”
“That’s because you’re used to the smell, you don’t even notice it anymore.”
“I notice you stink, maybe that’s what you smell.”
“Mom, I don’t stink.”
“Yes, you do it’s not my Depends your smelling, its you, you stink.”
“Mom, I don’t stink.”
“Yes you do.”
“No I don’t.” 

Both of us couldn’t stop, we were like two three year olds back and forth. Finally; 

“Fine, I’ll air your room out from my stink.” 

Did, it end, no not really her mouth kept going, I had a headache and fever, I asked her to leave me alone but she knew I was down and she couldn’t or wouldn’t stop. 

I grabbed some clothes and left. 

Well, no one went to her rescue. Dana had her hands full with Mac who the doctors said probably had H1N1. 

My uncle was fed up, Moo is in Europe. 

So, there she was home alone. She called everyone she could think of to spend the night, only no one came, everyone is tired of her games. The next day, I dropped in to check on her using an excuse that I needed some clothes; 

“Mom, I’m only here to pick up some things. It looks like you did alright being by yourself.”
“What’s the difference, I’m always by myself, you’re never here.”
“Mom, that’s not true, and you know it.”
“I know I don’t need you.”
“Fine, I’ll get some clothes, and leave.”
“Good.” 

So I left, and she was in for another night alone. The third day, I took in some groceries and left food. In three days, she had only eaten cereal, peaches, ice cream, three bottles of water and two Ensures. I brought to her attention there was chicken, coleslaw, lasagna, macaroni, salad, vegetables and fruit. She pointed out, she had eyes. So I left.

 After the forth night, It became apparent, she didn’t care one way or another if I came back, she was no longer afraid of being alone. I on the other hand was having trouble, how long before something happened. So back I went. 

When I told her I was back, I could tell she was happy, but she said she didn’t need me she had eaten and taken care of herself, she told me all the things she cooked and ate. I guess in her mind she had eaten, nothing was touched. 

Then it happened again, she started in on me, finally I said; 

“Mom, it started out that I wanted to keep you in your own home, keep everything the way you like it, but I can’t, I’m losing my mind. Instead of me taking care of you out of love because you’re my mom, I feel obligated, there is no one else. 
“Don’t feel obligated; I’m not your mother.”  

What the hell, now I know how Luke Skywalker felt, when Darth Vader told him he was his father. What a jolt, she’s not my mother? I had mixed emotions, I had questions but was to dumb founded at the time to say anything. Until the next day; 

“What should I call you?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Well, you told me you’re not my mom, so what should I call you, Eva?”
“I never said I wasn’t your mother.”
“Yes, you did and you know you did.”
“Well, I was mad and wanted to hurt you, you know I’m your mom.” 

Yes life is just like the movies, just like Luke, my parent is from the dark side trying to pull me in.

Even though we have fifty million night lights through out the house my mom lately has to have her bathroom light on; 

“Nancy, I need the bathroom light on all night.”
“Why?”
“So, I can see when I get up.”
“Why are you getting up?”
“To go to the bathroom.”
“Why, your bladder doesn’t work and you wear Depends?”
“Well, I get up to change sometimes at night.”
“Well that’s no problem, leave it on, but you do remember the remote button next to your bed turns on your bedroom light.”
“I know but I like to walk towards the light, it’s easier on my eyes.” 

Having thought about this for a minute, it would be easier on her eyes to gradually walk towards the light, but I’m worried what the neighbors will think when they hear us saying; “walk towards the light mom, walk towards the light.” 

(Below is another new post listed today).

You’ve all heard the idiom “he/she is out to lunch.” For those who have never heard it before it means someone is crazy or out of touch. Well, my mom is not crazy, she suffers from beginning stages of dementia, I like to say she’s out for a snack. 

For the last couple of months, I have not been arguing with my mom about eating so her dementia has gotten worse so I now have to say not only is she out for snacks occasionally she stays out to lunch. 

Well, Norma my mom’s closest friend (or as I call her, my second mom) called to say hi we talked for a minute, then I told my mom who was sitting in the living room to pick up the phone. 

“Mom, Norma’s on the line.”
“Ok.”
“Mom, pick up the phone and say hi.”
“Hello, Hello?” 

Well I can hear my mom saying hello from the other room, but I can’t hear her on the telephone extension. I get up and see my mom talking into the DVR controller.  

“Mom, that’s not the telephone, it’s the controller for the DVR, pick up the phone.”
“Oh, I thought that was the phone.” 

I see her place the controller down; again I hear her saying;

“Hello, Hello?”
“Mom, pick up the phone.”
“No one’s on the line.”
“Mom, now your talking into the TV controller the other one’s the phone.” 

Eureka, finally she’s on the phone. 

Well, I’m back to making my mom eat at least one balanced meal a day, my mom is back to her old mean self, and I’m out to out to lunch, really out to lunch, in more ways then one.

Wikipedia:

“If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” is a philosophical riddle that raises questions regarding observation and knowledge of reality. 

My question is, if you’re in the same room as your wife, and she falls do you hear, see or feel it? Apparently not. 

Since we’ve been back from Hawaii, I’ve fallen twice. The first time was in the family room which is open to the kitchen. My husband was at the sink about twenty feet away from me I got up and tripped, down I went like a ton of bricks, when I landed I was directly in front on him about ten feet away. I swear when I hit the ground I bounced. 

I knew I was going down; nothing I could do to prevent it, first there was a rush of air, then a thud. I looked up and my husband said; 

“What happened?”  
“What, do you mean what happened?”
“Did, you trip?”
(No, I just felt like getting up and throwing myself to the ground.)
“Yes, Paul I tripped.”
“Can I help you get up?”
“No, let me just lay here so I can see if the vacuum is doing a good job.” 

Well, I was fine, nothing broken, just a little embarrassed. 

About a week later, I decided to mop the kitchen floor, something that my husband always does for me. Now remember I’m plus size and have bad knees. My husband said he’d do it, but I don’t know why I kept mopping. I guess in one spot I had a little too much water and my foot hit the spot and down I went. This time Paul was only a few feet away from me, but it happened so fast I couldn’t reach over and take him down with me; oops I mean I couldn’t hold on. It felt like slow and fast motion all at the same time. 

I actually felt graceful, while I was doing the splits, my torso was in a half turn, like a ballerina in flight, arms in the air over my head, I must have looked beautiful. Then the thud. Again; 

“What happened?”  
“What, do you mean what happened, didn’t you see me fall?”
“Yes.”
“Did you see and hear me hit the kitchen floor?”
“Yes.”
“Then why are you asking me?”
“I dunno, oh now, I see what happen you slipped in the water.”
“Are you sure its water? I might have sprung a leak.”
“No, it’s water.”

So, here’s my answer;

 ”If a tree falls in a forest (or your wife in the house) and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” Yes, not only is there sound, there is movement in the air and on the ground. However, my question is if someone is present when the tree or wife falls, will they always ask “What happened?”

I’ve written two entries about Dr. Oz, “Living Longer” in April 2009, and “The Hour by Hour Commitment” back in August of 2008, If you remember both times he’s scared the hell out of me. Since then it’s been no more Dr. Oz.  

Well, now he has his own show, I wasn’t going to watch it, but it’s like when you pass a train wreck, no matter how hard you try not to look you still do. So I checked it out on the internet, it says Dr. Oz kicks off a daily show that’s all about YOU. Shit he’s after me again. 

The first episode he follows a viewer who frequents fast food three times a day, six days a week. He puts her in the truth tube which lists her weight, blood pressure, LDL level and her chronological age compared to her real age (which is what her body thinks it is). In her case she was twenty-nine, her body was thirty-five. Yikes. My LDL level and blood pressure are better than hers, but my weight and BMI are worse. My age is is fifty-six but I’ll assume my real body age is somewhere around ninety-three, I knew I shouldn’t have watched this damn show.  

He also talked about good sex, he had a man and woman from the audience place circles (I guess to represent bull’s eye’s) on cutouts of the opposite sex, where they thought the other sex’s erogenous zones were. By using the circles on the cutouts you and your partner can talk about what each other needs. Oh, brother, just open your mouth and tell your spouse what you need, if you can’t be direct make a game out of it, your getting warmer, now your getting cold, warm, cold get the idea?  

Something else I learned, was the erogenous zones on a man, they were; the brain, lips, perineum, and down south. For the woman it’s the brain, feet, belly button and G-spot. For me it’s; MacDonald’s, In & Out or Burger King, a good dessert and a Netflix movie. 

Another thing they talked about was purses. He picked three women from the audience and analyzed their purses for germs. Gross, they found germs and fungus that can cause asthma, meningitis, even fecal contaminates. Starting today, no more purses, I’m using a fresh plastic grocery bag every day to carry my wallet, keys and makeup. Everything from now on will be disposable. 

Oh my husband just called he’ll be home early, if I have money (I’ll check my plastic bag) we’ll get take out for dinner, I didn’t tell him the mailman just delivered a new Netflix movie, so I guess someone’s getting lucky later.

On the second day we packed a lunch, grab our towels went to Lydgate State Park, its two beach ponds, that allows for fresh ocean water to enter, along with fish, but its rocks protect you from the oceans force. It’s pretty popular with families with small children. 

We found a picnic table with shade about twenty five feet from the ocean. Once we got settled and the baby was in the ocean, I decided I was going to surprise everyone by walking into the water up to my knees. 

Now remember I’m plus size and have bad knees so I walk slowly. I removed my sandals and started on my trek, only to stop about five feet into my journey. The sand was hotter than hell, and my weight pushed me into the sand up to my ankles. So there I was in slow motion trying to pull my legs out and get my big butt to safety. Dana realized what happened and offered me her thongs, but the damage was done, I figured if I got stuck in the sand closer to the water, the beach goers’ might try to keep me wet as they pulled me back into the ocean. 

So I went back into the shade. I decided to try and even out my farmer tan, so I sat in the sand to catch a few rays. Now the area we were in was a picnic area and I could smell either bacon or Spam (Hawaiian’s love Spam), cooking but I couldn’t find out where it was coming from. After a few minutes it felt like my butt was having a hot flash, the sand was so hot it was my behind sizzling, so I decided the safest place for me was back in the condo, but I settled for the picnic bench. 

Oh I almost forgot about this guy we saw at the beach. He appeared to be of Italian descent, on a scale of one to ten he was a thirty-four. I will call him Adonis.

Adonis was accompanied by an average looking young girl and two old ladies. The young girl laid on her towel getting some rays; he was about twenty feet away caring for the two ladies. Now I was watching everyone on the beach, all the husbands/boyfriends were putting sunscreen on their mates the usual way by just slapping it on, you could tell they just wanted to get done. Adonis on the other hand was putting it on in such a way I longed for a cigarette and for him to hold me. He was so attentive putting on their sunglasses, smoothing their hair, it was almost x-rated, I’m not joking I video taped part of it. My niece, my daughters and the guys were mesmerized trying to figure out what was up. The guys thought he was a grandson or a son-in-law but us women knew what was up, his full name was Adonis Gigolo, and he was worth every penny. As he was leaving my son said maybe he’s their nurse. My reply; “I’m terminally ill.”

A senior moment, there’s three things I forgot to put in my Airplane entry.

First, I triggered Security in Honolulu, unbelievable I wore a blouse that I got for seven bucks at Fashion Bug, and it almost cost me seven years behind bars. 

When I find a blouse I like I buy it in several colors and they all went with me to Hawaii however after the incident while catching a connecting flight in Honolulu they stayed in the suitcase. The blouse has a decorative buckle and it set off the alarm, so they pulled me aside and used the wand. I guess at that time the rivets on my jeans started to act up and cause trouble. So they had to pat me down. So there I stood arms outstretched while this woman explained she needed to pat me down, it seemed like fondling, I haven’t been touched like that in sometime. It got to a point where I began to enjoy it and was just about ready to ask her out for a drink when I heard my husband say “put your arms down their done.” Oh well, I’ll never see the people I held up in line again so it didn’t bother me.

The second thing I forgot  was on our flight back, there was a family travelling with their two young children. Now I realize we have been very fortunate with our granddaughter, she has been traveling since nine months old, having been in other countries forty-one times. She has been in flights up to twelve hours, and has never cried or caused any inconvenience to her parents or other travelers. We realize it’s hard for people with children that have not been accustomed to frequent traveling. 

Well this family’s two children cried solid for four and a half hours, they made no attempt to calm their children, no attempt to pop their ears by either holding their noses and having them blow,  nor did they give them bottle or gum. They did however let them from time to time stand in the aisle to cry, they also let them kick the seats in front of them, my poor son and daughter in law suffered through this the entire flight. To make matter worse their son apparently threw up and all the parents did was wipe his shirt, Dana could smell it one row up and across. The only thing my son and Muriel said was they did hear the father say; “Maybe we should start disciplining them.” Hello? 

The third thing I forgot was the movie Museum 2, the flight attendants were selling earplugs and I thought  this would help block out the crying, and make the time go faster. When the movie started everyone is talking in Spanish, no problem I’ve seen movies before when they start out in a foreign language, but after twenty minutes and still no English I’m getting frustrated and losing my patience. My family apparently was able to understand they were all smiling and chuckling, it was ridiculous, no sub titles nothing. I took off the earplugs stared a hole through the side of my husbands head. Once he acknowledged me, I asked him, “how in the hell are you understanding what’s going on when their talking in Spanish?” He didn’t answer just leaned over and changed the channel. 

I need to get out more.

Ok, I don’t like to fly, there I said it, but not for the reasons you may think, I realize planes are a safe mode of transportation so no problem there. I do get motion sickness so that was a little stressful. But my stress was for three major reasons; 

The first reason, the seat itself. Airlines seats are seventeen inches, three inches smaller than theater seats can anyone honestly say they’d be comfortable for a few hours in such a small seat. Then add that airlines are now making the larger passengers buy a second seat or pay for first class where the seats are roomier. I just didn’t want to be put in the position in front of everyone of being told that my ass was too big and have to fork over more money. 

Well, I did fit into the seat, not the first time I tried, I decided to take the aisle seat and have my thin husband sit in the middle, well my first attempt to sit down the arm rest was in the way I looked like a was riding a bull and it felt like I was wearing a thong. I immediately jumped up and my husband lifted the arm up. Hallelujah I’m in. 

The second reason, the seat belt. I pulled and tugged no can do I needed an extension. On both American and Hawaiian Airlines the flight crew was discreet when they gave it to me. On one of the inter island flights the belt did fit, if I wore it the proper way, under my tummy on my pelvic area. Dana said the way I was doing it over my tummy could cause major internal damage. Well if the plane was going down it really didn’t matter how much damage there was, so over the tummy it was. 

The bathroom. This was probably the biggie. I stopped all fluids a few hours before take off. I wasn’t sure if I would fit. Well, I tried to hold it but couldn’t, I tried to wait until there wasn’t a line, I just wanted to walk up and in. No such luck, I had to stand in line I’m sure half the people were watching the movie the other half were watching me to see if I would fit. 

So there I stood looking at this little door, that opened inside, starting to panic not only do I have to get in, I have to clear the door. The girl in front of me was average size and she went in went in sideways. Now I’m starting to sweat. When it was my turn sideways it was, I cleared the door. I would like to meet the Jackass who designed the plane. I could barely turn, I saw where the toilet was, turned around, struggled to get my pants down then fell backwards. I’m sure the first few rows could hear me struggling to move around in there. When I came out I wanted to bow to everyone and yell, “I made it!” No encore. 

So, I guess I stressed for nothing, I didn’t embarrass myself or my family, there’s just one more thing I’d like to say;   

For all those people that say they belong to the Mile High Club, you are either a liar or a little person; no two average sized people could fit in that toilet and get their groove on, impossible. If you still swear by your story contact Cirque du Soleil they have a job for you.